


not with a bang, but with a whisper

by majesdane



Category: Skins (UK) RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-18
Updated: 2009-11-18
Packaged: 2017-12-06 14:07:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/736532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/majesdane/pseuds/majesdane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Not unwelcome, just unexpected.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	not with a bang, but with a whisper

_una bella vita._

 

 

 

Once.

Once to grab Lily's hand on stage during the final curtain call, to smile at her through the bright lights and thick mascara, before the summer ends and they go back to their lives before all this. Before early morning drama lessons that were spent more on trying to wake up rather than memorize lines, before rainy afternoons when they sometimes passed each other on the way out, before set-designs went up and parts were assigned and costumes were fitted.

In the car, it occurs to Kathryn that she doesn't really know Lily, that they've never spoken except for the times when their characters did, that nothing shared had ever passed between them except the satisfaction of a job well done, applause, and flowers whose petals were still wet from being spritzed by the florist after being wrapped. All they had in common was this one summer, Saturday mornings, Shakespeare, coffee.

She can barely recall Lily's last name, until Meg helpfully supplies it, reading it off the back of the cast list. And only then does it come rushing back to her, the way they'd all gone around and introduced themselves on the first day of class, how everyone said how cool Lily's name was -- except for one tosser, who said it sounded like a porn star's name; Lily'd flushed bright red at that.

Kat had wanted to talk to her, then, but she'd never gotten around to it.

And all she can remember now is blue eyes, meeting hers as they stood at the edge of the stage and intertwined their fingers.

 

;;

 

Twice.

Twice for Lily, during rehearsals, to have to go through the whole strap-on line before she gets it right and doesn't ruin it by bursting out into laughter as soon as she finishes saying it. Twice for Meg to roll her eyes, unsuccessfully hiding a smile, twice for Kaya to dissolve into giggles, twice for Kathryn to drop her prop bag and meet Lily's eyes across the doorway.

(Later, it'll be twice for her to get drunk and almost kiss Lily in the toilets, when she's meant to be cleaning herself up after spilling vodka down the front of her shirt. And twice for Lily to put her hands on Kathryn's shoulders and tell her, Steady now, Kitty Kat, with a smile that doesn't help matters at all.)

 

;;

 

Three.

Three times that Lily goes over the first draft of the script for her episode the day she gets it, sat in her apartment -- courtesy of E4 -- the one she sometimes shares with Klariza or Kaya or Lisa, but never with Kat or Meg, who always stay in a room together. Looking over her lines, the love scene, the closing sentence, she feels her heart close up a bit and can't quite figure out why.

Later, when Kat's lying spread out on her bed, script in front of her, when they do their own, private read-through of the script, she feels that same sort of feeling. She wishes she could put it into words, so she could describe it to Kat to see if maybe she understands what this feeling's all about. Lily means to ask, later, if this episode does the same thing to Kat as it does to her, if it makes it seem like the room's gotten too small and the air's gotten too heavy and impossible to breathe in.

But then Kathryn just smiles at her and says, It's lovely, and Lily thinks she gets it. Maybe.

 

;;

 

Four.

The number of times they've seen each other over break, twice the number of shots they down in their apartment when they're alone together for the first time, scripts in hand for some last-minute line memorization, the first day of shooting already upon them. It felt like they'd been apart for ages, when they first saw each other again. Now, Lily thinks, it just feels like being home.

The feeling is strange to her. Not unwelcome, just unexpected.

 

;;

 

Five.

Five times for Lily to whisper goodnight in her ear before they finally drift off to sleep, lying curled up together on Kathryn's bed because the nights have gotten far too cold this early into October and there's a un-spoken kind of comfort that comes from seeing Kathryn's smile first thing in the morning, when she says hello, good morning, in a voice that's raspier than usual.

It feels like settling, when they sit on the couch on their days off and practise their lines, when they slack off and sip vodka and cranberry juice mixes while watching re-runs of _The X-Factor_ and pretending like they don't both know what's going to happen next.

Five times for Kathryn to absentmindedly thread their fingers together when they're sitting like that. Five times for Lily not to notice until they have to break apart. Five more weeks left. Thirty-five more days left before they go back to their real lives, where Lily wants to dedicate her life to acting and Kat wants to do a gap year and travel across Europe. Back to their lives before everything that's simple and complicated at the same time.

Back before Kathryn knew how Lily's mouth felt against her own. Before Lily knew the softness of Kathryn's skin under her hands, how roughly Kat's fingers would tangle themselves in her hair. Before scripted fights and meaningful glances across a classroom, before heartache and sex and lines of coke done off tables, before Emily and Naomi and everything else that came in between or came because of them.

Before, before, before.

(Before all this, oh, safer and smaller was my heart, Lily thinks, can't remember what poem it's from.)

 

;;

 

Six.

Six speeches from everyone about how wonderful these past few years have been. Six times for Kathryn to grab Lily's hand under the table and squeeze it tightly. Six times for Meg and Kaya to start crying and for Lisa to awkwardly pat them on the back and reassure them that everything is going to work out all right, they'll see. Six times for Jack to remind everyone that whenever any of them are in the area, they should ring him up, it'll be a laugh.

Ollie's written everyone letters, which tell them how much he's going to miss them. Merve comes up to them after dinner and says that he won't forget any of them, not even for a moment. Especially you two, he says, and claps a hand down on Lily's shoulder affectionately, shooting her and Kat a brilliant smile. I'm going to miss the lesbians.

It's stupid, but it makes Lily cry.

Six times less for Pass and Kaya to beg them all to come out clubbing with them later. Five times less that Klariza trips while walking in her ridiculous heels. Four cigarettes passed down the line from Jack -- one to Luke, one to Lily, one to Meg, one to Kat, and one for himself. Three and a quarter hours left until the clock strikes midnight and this fairy-tale life they've been leading comes to an end. The second to last time Lisa will throw her arms around Merve and Kaya's waists, laughing.

One time less for Megan to miss the after party, tagging along between Kaya and Ollie and trying not to spill any tequila on her new trainers as they walk to the club.

Six seconds until twelve o'clock, when Kat and Lily are stood outside the club sharing a fag. Six false starts until they get it right, when Kat says, I don't want this to end, and Lily says, It hasn't even started yet, and the space between them grows smaller and smaller until even that is too much, and the only thing left to do is the thing they've already done six thousand times before --

And Lily leans in and Kat stands on Lily's feet, because she kicked off her too-high heels while in the club and, having not been able to find them, had gone outside in only stockings, and they kiss.


End file.
